Doc's Place: Psychology

Process Pleasure Versus Goal Pleasure

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 00:47:09 GMT

I enjoy both the process pleasure and the goal pleasure from activities and objects. As a personal example, when I flew Cross Country RC model sailplanes, I enjoyed both the process of designing, planning, finding sources for exotic materials (kevlar “string”, carbon fiber string or sheets, titanium rods, etc.,) finding ways of combining materials and design considerations such that the entire model, ready to fly, weighed five kilograms (11.023 pounds, an international standard,) or less. “OK, if I use titanium wing rods to hold the wing panels together, rather than steel ones, I can just barely save enough weight to add an airspeed telemetry downlink. Let’s try it,” and of course, building them. Add to that an altitude gain/loss sensor and downlink, chrome reflective mylar tape on the leading edge of the wing, and a mechanism that could slightly alter the center of gravity in flight, and you had the basis for a fair amount of off season fun. My commodore 64 and a pin printer could even produce a fairly good rendition of a specific airfoil, given the right formula and a great deal of patience. A mixture of process and goal pleasure came when, in a contest, I could know how fast the model was traveling, whether it was climbing or descending, and when all of us in the pickup truck lost sight of it, it could usually be found by simply turning 360 degrees a few times and watching for the flashes of sunlight strobing off the wing’s reflective leading edge. One could even tell which direction the plane was turning by watching the direction of the flashes. Even the wings of models with 16 foot spans and 12 inch chords tend to “disappear” when they pass beyond about a mile from the pilot. Fuselage and tail sections disappear much sooner, at 1000 to 1500 feet.

So where was the pure goal pleasure in this? I’m not really certain, because this was a series of activities and produced both kinds of pleasure at various stages along the way. After designing and building for 700+ hours, having the darn thing fly and land in one piece marked the attainment of a large goal. Learning from the first several flights that it required a more frontal center of gravity and was not a stable flyer with the length of the original fuselage led back to process of adding about a foot more length to a fiberglass fuselage, re-balancing, and flying again. Ah, much better! Intermediate goal achieved. Talk it over with friends and enjoy the process. Fly it in international competition and not come in last – definitely goal pleasure, although the process of “having fun” at this level of competition required several milligrams of Valium. Winning an award for “professionalism” in our contest behavior was purely surprise goal pleasure. Dropping that trophy on my left great toe following my move to this apartment was a painful stimulus that produced memories of both types of pleasure involved in the winning of it. Even writing this post is a process pleasure and seeing pictures of our Cross Country team and my toy, a pleasure from recalling the past goal. Some goal pleasure was mixed with goal pain – landing at the 45 mile mark on a 47.2 mile closed course, for example. Coming that close yet not finishing was painful, but it was also a personal best for me and for the rest of the team, a pleasure.

A treatise of book length could be written about this single, obscure area of the pleasures involved in flying toy airplanes and only a few examples have been included. Yet it is complicated enough for us to realize how many factors can be involved in deciding whether we were having fun or not. Simpler examples of each type of pleasure abound. A person who hates their job and does it only for the paycheck is likely only to feel goal pleasure related to spending the money earned. A person who plays a musical instrument well but never shares it with others is deriving primarily process pleasure from the making of the music alone. A person who fears flying but has to do so to get to a vacation destination won’t enjoy the process of getting there, but the vacation may be all the sweeter because of what had to be overcome in order to reach the goal.

There are many other factors that become involved in the real life experience of process and goal pleasure. How much is the goal worth to the individual, monetarily or emotionally? How much pain? What are the relative risks involved with each? Is it legal, helpful, or harmful? What are the consequences of failure versus success? None of our waking behavior is simple and even the seemingly simple decisions we make are made easily only because the factors on one side of the scale so far outweigh the factors on the other, that little actual thought needs to occur. “Would you get up and walk over here so I can hit your fingers with a mallet, please?” “Uh, no!” “Would you get up and walk over here so I can give you this $100 bill?” “Yeah! Sure!”

Peace, Doc

“Recognize that an activity involves more than the end result. What was the process or journey like? What did you learn?” – John Stallworth, J.D, Ph.D. et al

How Real Are We Feeling Today?

Fri, 02 May 2008 19:35:58 GMT

There are many definitions and interpretations of reality. I would contend that there are many realities, all happening at the same time, and that they all have their own validity. This reminds me of the concept of alternative realities, about which I read and wondered since being deeply immersed in science fiction novels 50 years ago. To some degree, the current crop of subatomic physicists have begun to explore this concept (which I do not pretend to completely understand) and seem to believe that it may have some truth, even if only as a working hypothesis or "explanatory fiction."

My thoughts for this post are much more simplistic than the origin of the cosmos, however. They are more on a level of whether a dream is as real as waking thought, or whether an instant message has the same reality as a face to face conversation. In large part, much of this revolves around the phenomenon of consciousness. Our conscious perception of our world makes a huge difference in how we think and how we behave. We all behave "as if." As if our thoughts, perceptions, and interpretations are the truth and we would be acting "insanely" if our actions did not match these perceptions. There are over 100 definitions of "normal," and the most commonly used is "like me." The more you are like me, the more normal you are. (My regular readers will quickly recognize that this is a terrible example for me to use, as I am half-a-bubble-off-plumb, but usually harmless.)

There is also that confusing question of whether a thing exists if we aren't aware of it or can't prove it. When I was thirty, I knew nothing about "Top Quark." By age 45 I had learned how it was necessary to reproduce this tiny particle to give "reality" to a particular theory of subatomic physics. Apparently it is so heavy (as terrifically tiny things go) that it required more energy to demonstrate than any of the accelerator laboratories could produce. It had to be there, we just couldn't prove it. In my mid-fifties, Fermi National Laboratory, about ten miles from where I live, reproduced it. Ya know, I suspect the little bugger was there all along, whether I knew about it, whether it could be reproduced with current technology or not, and after it was "discovered." I also suspect it was laughing at us (but that's only my reality.)

The real intent of this post is to urge you to think about what your own reality is at any given point in time. When we are asleep and dreaming, the dream is our reality, and if not physiologically prevented from moving, we would likely act on the dream content. That is surely different than our usual daily reality, but by how much? We give a friend a ride or enjoy a hobby. That is real. Is just thinking about doing the same things real? Yes, but differently. A twinkling bit of rose quartz in our garden is beautiful when we look at it. Does it lose that characteristic when we look away, or is its reality different when another person looks at it and appreciates it differently? What about the the realities that we realize are out there somewhere but are not in our consciousness at the moment? Do people stop dying in Iraq or do gas prices stop changing simply because we are momentarily unaware of them?

What about my two cats' perceptions of the world? From outside observation, they seem quite different; one is older, more sedate, and a bit afraid of everything until reassured. The other is younger, very inquisitive, playful, and appears to know little fear. I can't know what they are "thinking," but whatever it is, their reality influences mine as I react to them, treating them differently. Stinky explores bags and boxes with apparent pleasure. Because Bittle got a leg caught on a plastic grocery bag when he was a kitten, and raced about in a terrified manner with the bag acting as a drag 'chute, he remains so afraid of them that he will leave the area at the sound of one being opened. I simply view the bags as something to carry groceries in and then re-use as a waste can liner. Which of these three realities is right or true? All of them.

How real are we to one another on the Internet? I would have to say, "It depends." Some people have been my net friends for years. I feel that I know them better than I do many of the "in real life" people around me, even though I have never heard their voice, never touched them, nor do I know their feelings about stale marshmallow Peeps (yeah, I love them.) Do I evaluate who or what to trust or believe on the Internet in the same way I do in "real" life? No. There are overlapping criteria and both situations are real, but my evaluation process is different. Am I real, here? Certainly, but not in exactly the same way I am real immediately after having broken a Waterford crystal bowl or just after I have acquired genealogical information or pictures for which I had been searching. Additionally, I am likely real in a different manner to each reader. What I choose to reveal about myself here is probably too accurate for my own good. I also know that some other "people" I interact with on the web are largely fictional or "partial-people." As an expression of my younger days stated, "Its been real!"

A virtual man

Existing only to type

His virtual life

Peace, Doc

"Reality is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one." - Albert Einstein

I May have Become (A) Monk

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 04:14:31 GMT

This title will make the most sense to people who have watched the TV series "Monk." It is a comedy-drama series about a private detective, Adrian Monk, who has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD.) The problems OCD presents to the individual are not, in themselves, funny. The manner in which Mr. Monk's disruptive symptoms are intertwined with the aspects that make him an outstanding detective are hilarious. The same attention to detail can either incapacitate him while arranging extraneous objects into a "perfect" alignment, or assist him in following an evidence trail to a final conclusion. Most of us have little bits and pieces of thoughts and behaviors which, if they became intolerable to us or incapacitated us, would qualify for diagnosis as a disorder that would require some form of treatment. Most of us never reach that point, and "disorder" remains "trait," or if one is wealthy or otherwise well respected, "eccentricity."

An example of how the degree of a behavior can make the difference between being helpful or harmful would be a psychologist that worked for me on one of Elgin's acute units. She felt she had to be perfect in all aspects of her position. Some were obviously necessary; a good evaluation and treatment plan, teaching other staff, participating effectively in multidisciplinary staff meetings to represent psychology's viewpoint, and documenting details of the case in the clinical record. If we had an outside group coming in to inspect the hospital, patient satisfaction, accuracy and completeness of records, or whatever, I would automatically pick the chart of a patient that I knew was on her caseload. I was certain it would be perfect. Part of the price she paid for this was voluntary, unpaid overtime, increased job stress, never being satisfied with her own performance, etc. Sometimes she would become so stressed that she would schedule a cruise, then ask afterward for the vacation time to cover it, and leave me begging other units for part time fill-ins for her. The whole staff would feel that she deserved the vacation, but could not resist playing with her attention to detail. We did gotcha's to anyone who went on vacation, but to her, the more minimal, the more effective. I believe that I was the perpetrator of the best gotcha done to her. I moved her pencil. I entered her office while she was away and turned the pencil two or three degrees to the right. That's all. Upon her return, she "stormed" into my presence and announced, "Somebody's been in my office!" I think my snort while attempting to look aghast gave me away.

What does this have to do with me "becoming" Monk and displaying OCD traits? In the years that I had lots of room to accumulate things, I kept a lot of things. I have by now disposed of the obvious junk, and given to family, friends, or charities much of that which might be of use to a normal person. A number of things are left, but much of the major stuff is either gone or has a plan for where it will go. I am left with "the OCD stuff." I have been quite organized in how I kept tools, parts, and equipment, for instance, for most of my life. Some examples of what has now become a problem follow, with the general premise of, "having now lived the majority of my life, and keeping only that which I might really want or need, what stays and what goes?"

I want all of my tools. I will need my tiny 1/4" ratchet set, I "might" need my 3/8" drive set, but what do I do with the 1/2" set. There is an off chance that if I keep the 1/2" breaker bar, universal drive, an extension, and three or four sockets, I could keep them in the car and possibly use them to change a tire or tighten a belt sometime (or slightly reduce my gas mileage.) Add to that the range of screwdrivers, pliers, box end, offset, combination, and flat (metric and SAE) wrenches, files, drills and special bits, two drill presses, two vises, a circular power saw, a jig saw, a saber saw, a grinder, metal tables, and so on, and we have a minimum of 750 - 1,000 pounds of tools to dispose of.

It gets much worse. When we get down to electronics and modeling tools, parts, paints, and other supplies, the weight becomes much less, but the sheer volume of things to make decisions about increases by a factor of 3 to 5. Literally hundreds of thousands (possibly over a million) things. I'm sure I have at least 10,000 nails. I probably need fewer than 100 to hang pictures and such. Those should be easy. How many and what shapes of Dremel bits and Xacto blades are really needed? Surely not three plastic parts cabinets full of them. How many resistors, capacitors, transistors, and IC chips might actually be used? Possibly a few precision pots and resistors, some big capacitors for power supplies, a few 555 timers and some op-amps, and of course a CK-722 (the first mass produced transistor.) These are neatly sorted by value and function into bins in several large parts cabinets. Then there are the 200+ pounds of small bolts and machine screws. Should I keep more 4-40, 6-32, 8-32, star washers, lock washers, equipment feet, knobs, battery boxes, breadboarding blocks, grommets, plugs, jacks, colors and gages of wire, VOM's, waveform and frequency generators, power supplies, semi-dead computers, and ... I think you have begun to comprehend the immensity to which a small problem can grow for me. I'm certain that if I died, the person cleaning out my stuff would have little or no difficulty deciding what to throw away. And I didn't even start to list all the model aviation "stuff."

I'm sure this must be good for me because I'm finding things I haven't seen in 15-20 years. I couldn't possibly need those ... or could I? I've even found and wanted to keep self-designed and home built electrophysiological apparatus (35-40 years old) that I used for my Masters and Ph.D. And I found in my own "baby book" which revealed to me that at three months of age, my head was 17 inches in circumference. ... AKK!!

Peace, Doc

"Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?" - George Carlin

A Dream Of Food

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 05:24:19 GMT

I had a dream. Just as I was waking up, or possibly I was waking because of it, it was very clear. I recalled thinking that it was humorous at the time, but fairly quickly forgot about it. When I read another blogger's post about dreaming of Mac and Cheese waking her, I was reminded of my own dream and thought it could be used as a marvelous example of problem solving in an altered state of consciousness (besides using just about the same amount of warped humor as I would have used in waking life to get what I wanted.)

As I recall the end of my dream, "They" had already placed me in "The Home" and I was not at all pleased about the situation. My lifestyle had been severely limited and I couldn't get any of my usual food preferences. Of course, the institutional cooking was institutionally presented and institutional tasting. I didn't so much stage a hunger strike as demand something I knew that they must have and I knew that I liked; Ensure, chocolate, eight ounces (cold, and shaken, not stirred!) The daemonic staff of the facility not only refused my simple request, but threatened me with nasogastric (NG) tube feeding if I did not eat their offal meals.

In the dream, I then thought, "Damn. How much more will it cost you to do that than give me a can of Ensure when I want it?" I'm relatively certain that the procedure and sterile tube would have cost roughly the equivalent of 10 cases of food supplement. (*stage whisper to staff* And you haven't seen how passive-aggressive I can become when I don't get my own way!) Not that I'm anything like that in waking life, of course. In the dream, I proceeded to write a letter of complaint to the manager of "The Home," explaining in a cost/benefit manner why he should capitulate immediately to my wishes, how I would do everything in my power to resist and/or later sabotage the tube, and who was receiving copies of the memo. The recipients were to include an attorney specializing in elder-law, the certifying/licensing bodies for nursing homes, the local newspapers, and most threatening of all, my friends on Spaces who would blog such victimization around the world!

Darned if I didn't wake up before I found out how this tactic worked, but I definitely considered it a good dream. The problem solving in it is so frighteningly similar to the actions I might actually have taken in such a situation that I have still more respect for Old Sigmund's masterwork, Dreams and Their Relation to the Unconscious. In the clear light of waking reason, it seems more likely that I would have asked Firstborn or Number One Son to bring me a six-pack ... and then sent the letters!

What did I do upon becoming fully awake, you may ask? I went to the refrigerator and got a can of generic food supplement, of course.

Peace, Doc

"If you can dream it, then you can achieve it. ... " - Zig Ziglar

On Giving Christmas Gifts That Confuse One's Offspring

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 05:08:53 GMT

Yes, I do that. Based on the principle that, "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit," I gave checks to the kids rather than the Ferraris I had hoped to give. They have come to expect a certain amount of strangeness from me, but I think I genuinely confused them, if only briefly, when they dropped by the apartment today. They know me well and came bearing gifts of food and the collected cynicism of George Carlin in book form.

As they carefully edged their way around some remaining mounds of boxes and a large bookcase, remarking that it might fall on someone, they found me hastily using the computer as a simple calculator. I was chided for the condition in which the apartment remains, but I staunchly defended myself by pointing out that over half of the living room had been cleaned fairly well and had a Christmas tree. They were quick to note that it was the half between the recliner chair and the TV. Children are difficult at any age but possibly at their most frustrating when they are adults in the prime of their intellectual abilities and the masters of quick repartee. It is even harder to deal with when they are right. In my own defense, I must state that amid the chiding and constructive criticism, no offer to assist me in moving the bookcase into another room was made.

Back to the computer and the checkbook. I had not gotten the checks written before Firstborn's and Number One Son's arrival. They did call to let me know they were coming over, but I think they did that from the parking lot. A check was written to each for exactly the same amount, and it was that amount that puzzled them. Each was written for exactly $111.36. Of course they had to know why. I explained. I could have bought them a present and sent them a card, but in this way I spent the same and they got more. The equation was $100 for the gift + $7.00 for sales tax not paid + $3.95 for a piece of paper with a "happy whatever" on it not sent + $0.41 for the stamp not used to send said piece of paper. They were quick to understand my point, laughed, and then nodded sagely in approval. As we age together, it is becoming more difficult to ruffle them in any way. They did agree with me when I referred to myself as being somewhat strange, especially Firstborn who made me repeat it to be certain she had heard the admission correctly. Or possibly she was yanking my chain a bit.

Hugs and good wishes were exchanged and they were off to make Christmas cookies, arms loaded with boxes and papers to be recycled, and "stuff" to be taken to the dumpster before they drove off into the sunset. They didn't move the bookcase, after all. I was justified!

Peace, Doc

"The sky is not blue. It merely looks that way because blue is the name we have given that color." - George Carlin

Please appreciate that quote. I read almost a quarter of Carlin's new book to find something inoffensive enough to use on Spaces. For the less easily offended among my readers I will add it to my required reading list. It is pure Carlin.

Neuropsych Haiku

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 21:34:00 GMT

I love to dream. Not daydreams. The all out, longer, stranger ones that occur late in the sleep cycle. Traveling in time, changing the past, reliving parts of it, even being changed by the dreamstuff itself seems possible. I don't really mind if I wake in a panic from a dream if it was interesting. One type that I like the most combines concepts, people, words, images, or events in ways that would be highly unlikely in a waking state. I had one of that sort recently that somehow intertwined my confusion about my future with the mnemonic device for remembering the names of the 12 cranial nerves. Further, I realized that the words of the "standard" version of this memory aid had seventeen syllables. Ooh, haiku! Of course I couldn't leave the version I had learned alone. I had to modify and add meanings to it. "Meanings" is plural to allow for good or bad outcomes.

The most frequently used mnemonic is, "On Old Olympus' Towering Top, A Finn And German Viewed Some Hops." There are other versions, one quite lewd, but all help the student to remember the names of the cranial nerves by using the first letter of the nerve as the first letter of the associated word in the mnemonic; Olfactory, Optic, Oculomotor, Trochlear, Trigeminal, Abducens, Facial, Acoustic, Glossopharyngeal, Vagal, Spinal-accessory, & Hypoglossal.

Two Neuropsychu

One Omen Only

To Tear Apart Fantasies

And Give Vent Sour Hate

-or-

One Omen Only

To Tease Apart Fantasies

And Grant View Soul's Hope

Quite likely a bit of each is present or I wouldn't have felt conflicted enough to have written two versions. I'm working on the latter, though.

Peace, Doc

"BP = f(E & RV)" - Julian Rotter, Ph.D.

Nah, that's not fair. I should try to teach something rather than just being strange. That formula, developed within the framework of Rotter's Social Learning Theory states that BP (Behavior Potential) = f(a function of) E (Expectancy) and RV(Reinforcement Value.) The likelihood of a person behaving in a particular way depends upon how likely the person expects it to be to get the reinforcement that goes with it, and how valuable that reinforcement is to the person. That's why I don't play the lottery. My "E" is way low in that formulation.

Professional Psychological Terminology And Procedures.

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 06:11:43 GMT

Did you know that:

The expression, "Mad as a hatter" often refers to the display of a mental condition. It had its origin with the heavy metal (mercurous oxide) poisoning and consequent brain and kidney damage that occurred as an occupational disease in workers who made felt hats around the 1840's. It was a cumulative poisoning which occurred to workers who inhaled the mercuric fumes of the hatmaking process in poorly ventilated workshops. Symptoms included trembling, loosening of teeth, loss of co-ordination, slurred speech, irritability, loss of memory, depression, anxiety, and other personality changes.

The description, "Crazy as a loon" derives from the call of the Great Northern Diver or Common Loon which has a weird, haunting, laugh-like cry which it sometimes uses at night when most other birds are silent. To some, this cry sounded like the howls of the insane. This phrase also references the term "loon," used in Shakespearian times as a shortened form of the word "Lunatic."

The term "Lunatic" has the most frequent and ancient references to mental illness; more than any other term of which I am aware. Reportedly it originates from the Latin "lunaticus," which gains its stem from Luna or Moon. Folklore has it that there is a connection between phases of the moon and madness, especially with cyclic disorders and other mental, physiological, or behavioral disorders which may go through phases. Interestingly, in Russian, "lunatic" refers to a sleepwalker; "one who walks under the moon" or "moonwalker." Various sources find correlations between the full moon and a rise in general crime rate, violent crimes by women, admissions to mental health facilities, peak number of births during any month, riots, and many other phenomena. Unfortunately, most of the scientific research is flawed and the "facts" remain undetermined. Folklore, however, usually has a reason for remaining as common knowledge, whether science can "prove it" or not.

There are many currently used, colloquial, politically incorrect, insensitive, unusual, employment related, and other references to mental illness. At Carnegie-Mellon University a class assignment/contest was held to collect as many phrases for "He's not playing with a full deck" as possible. The Full Deck List is the result. I believe people make jokes about what they don't understand, what frightens them, or possibly what they do know so much about that it frightens them.

Finally, I admit that at least one psychologist has fallen prey to this form of humor on occasion, but never to my knowledge in an offensive way. When one has a new baby it is customary to hand out cigars or other small gifts. I had briefly been employed at a psychiatric inpatient facility when this event occurred in my family. When Firstborn arrived, I handed out to staff very small screw drivers with pocket clips ("loose screw tighteners") and when Number One Son came along, little mesh bags of marbles (replacements for those who "were missing some") were distributed. For some reason, the secretaries were especially fond of the little screwdrivers (perhaps to repair their own typewriters?) but "Wild Bill," an aging psychiatrist, demanded the traditional cigar on both occasions. Firstborn's debut was made shortly after my employment began. At least I quickly established my reputation as somebody with whom you could lighten up. Once I found how far I could go without offending or being reprimanded, hospital life became much more interesting.

Peace, Doc

"A major difference between witches and psychotherapists is that witches see the mental health of women as having important political consequences." - Naomi R. Goldenberg

Remembering A Different Future

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 10:27:03 GMT

I suppose those who read here regularly have noticed the new slideshow. I think it has been over a year since I put up a new one. Much of that has to do with believing that you would not wish to see the interior of an "untidy" house or how I repaired the water heater. I didn't want to, so why should you? From the comments I have received on the past few posts, it seems that you may have noticed a change in my mood and general outlook. Hopefully, I can share with you a small piece of what has changed my thinking so drastically in that time.

I have mentioned the concept of "behaving as if" something you want or some behavior you wish to develop were true. Well, I did that. I behaved as if the bleak, solitary future I imagined for myself was not true. To use the words of another therapist, I "remembered a different future." There is a subtle difference between those concepts, but a powerful one. When one "behaves as if" something they want is true, the behavior is likely to occur primarily in the present. When one "remembers a different future," it is as if the change has already occurred and one is viewing it as having already happened, and therefore as a memory.

For me, it took behaving as if a different future was possible, even though I didn't associate a high probability of occurrence with the scenario. It was enough to get me out of my box and far beyond my safety zone, however. The very notion of changing my familiar but depressive routine simply unhinged me. I committed myself to the vacation and to having a good time despite being frightened out of my wits. I drove the entire thousand-mile distance in one long marathon because I was unsure if I would continue if I stopped. I drove back to St. Charles in the same long marathon, reversed, because I was afraid that I would turn back and never return here. As far back as I can remember I have viewed the future with skepticism and distrust. Only the bad things I planned to avoid or to make as painless as possible could possibly happen. Hmm. I took (for me) a giant leap of faith and went ahead with the vacation. I can't say I was totally sane as I packed and prepared to leave. Who could possibly need 50 DVD envelopes or an Irish fisherman's sweater for 80 to 90 degree weather? I thought it was me, but I forgot the sweater and left it parked on a kitchen chair. I didn't even get the digital multimeter or the mini tool kit out of their boxes once. I certainly felt like I had a great time without them. Maybe this remembering a different future thing had something truer than my previous beliefs could accept. When I was separated from the "stuff" in my life that I believed I had to have near me or dire consequences would ensue, it was simply proven to be false. In many ways it was terrifying, but in the same way a butterfly might feel leaving the safety of its cocoon.

The short version is that I had a wonderful time, that I plan to return in August, and that a permanent move may very well be in my future.

Peace, Doc

"Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) studies have found that the pleasure centers of the brain like surprises and that the mesolimbic dopamine pathway while experiencing dopamine release is quite pleased, often saying to hell with neocortical impulse control. Sometimes good fortune just sneaks up behind you and gives you a good whack to the nucleus accumbens." - Doc

Real Life Approach-Avoidance Conflicts

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 00:56:28 GMT

I honestly do not understand how a broken $0.25 plastic part could cause as many mixed feelings and behaviors as it has in me by this point, and I fully expect more confusion to come. Of course I understand the processes involved in an academic sense, but I have had little or no power to control events as they occurred. Therefore, while I know what is happening to me, there have been so many twists and turns getting to this point in the space-time continuum where I exist, I could never have predicted it.

With the stress buildup resulting from Bittle's illness and surgery, a devastating tax bill, "the great toilet flood of '07," and numerous other less significant stressors, I have become somewhat dunderheaded and unable to stay on task for very long. That happens when anxiety rises, and my anxiety level has risen to a point that I am noticing it. No panic attacks have occurred, but disturbed sleep and dreams, inability to concentrate, avoiding important tasks by doing unnecessary ones, and the like. I intend to repair the feed line and float mechanism on the upstairs toilet fixture but writing a haiku distances me and relieves me of that task. I want to get my filing system in order, especially as I straightened a lot of it out while gathering my tax information, but writing a blog entry is a relief. The job of building (or rebuilding) two websites calls, but downloading and playing with a free CAD-CAM program, SketchUp from Google, is more relaxing.

This multiple approach-avoidance situation produces its own stress, and guilt that I have not acted on the more important tasks. This stress level made a sharp rise on the graph today when I spoke with the contractor who is to repair the damage from the great flood. It will all be repaired to my satisfaction for the deductible of my homeowners' insurance. Why would that produce a conflict, you might ask? That's a good thing, is it not? Well, yes it is, but the contractor also stated that he would buy the house for his son, "as is." Oh oh. This may be the best chance I have to sell in the next year or year and a half, but I would be selling for considerably less than the other homes in the neighborhood have sold for. I should be thankful for any offer in this buyer's market but I must make a profit on the sale as there is still a large mortgage and line of credit outstanding. I have never taken the one-time capital gains tax exclusion for the sale of a home but I have somewhere between little and no idea where I would go. I have researched what is available in the general area and have not found anything at a time that I could proceed due to lack of readily available cash. The rapidity and unexpectedness of the offer has left me in a serious approach-avoidance conflict. It seems that for every "Why don't I?" idea that I come up with, a "Yes, but," answer follows. I believe that the answer will be to sell "as is" because it would cost too much to modernize the house and I certainly wouldn't realize enough profit to offset the the cost of the renovations. An uncomfortable truth also arises. I am afraid to move. People generally are afraid of change, and I could maintain payments, slowly repair damage, make cosmetic changes, and not have to leave my safety zone. On the other end of that argument with myself is the fact that property taxes alone on this house are over $6,000 and I really only use two rooms out of this 4-5 bedroom house. I'm comfortable here, but it is ridiculous for a man and two cats to occupy a structure of this size. There are many more pro and con thoughts running through my mind at this point, but it would do no good to write them all on a blog. I simply have to decide and carry through on that decision.

HELP!

Peace, Doc

"Do or do not. There is no try." - Yoda

When May I Love Again?

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 00:38:32 GMT

I apologize if I have inflicted these haiku on you previously. I don't believe I have. I think I published them elsewhere and not as a matched pair. The question of when it is "fair" for a widower to love again has been eating at me a great deal recently. I know absolutely that I need an intimate friend with whom I can talk freely and without either holding back any details or feelings. I have no one like that in my life. I have a number of e-friends, but not a relationship where I can e-mail them or call at 3:00 a.m. and expect to get an immediate or rational response. I am certain they would be sympathetic and understanding but not able to help in the real life world in which I still find myself. For me, it works the other way, also. I have been taking care of someone, often many someones, since I was about 19 or 20. That is also gone and I feel a void where it used to be. That might actually be a good thing as I somehow tend to initiate web wars whenever I try to do that in blogland. I have a daughter and a niece to talk or write to, but the age difference of 30 years and the fact that one often cannot tell offspring or younger family one's innermost feelings, needs, and desires complicates the situation. I get advice or comments appropriate to a person their age but not to mine. I believe my past post about repetitive dreams of an unattainable high school love reflected these feelings and needs.

Illusory love

Unknowingly fantasized

Cuts as a razor

Then there is the problem of conflicted feelings of hope for happiness versus "betrayal" of a deceased spouse. Of joy versus grief. Again more of a problem for an older person than a younger one. No more second (or third, or however many) chances. I won't join "senior" dating sites or take part in park district tours, etc. For some, that might be a good way to go. For me it would simply feel ridiculous. I've accepted that. I hate it, but I've accepted it. Unless "it" just happens unexpectedly, I won't be out looking. There is an element of fear embedded in all this. Who in their right mind would want me as I am now? Actually I can answer that. Only Bittle and Squeaky, and then only if it is on their terms.

Mourning less intense

Guilt, hope, loss, desire, and fear

When love comes again

Peace, Doc

"You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation ... and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else." - Herman Hesse

Help Stop Domestic Violence

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 16:11:20 GMT

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and The Body Shop have formed a partnership to refurbish or recycle your used cell phones to be given to those in danger of domestic violence. If you have a cell phone(s) to donate, you may do so, postage free, by downloading this mailing label, printing it, and sending the equipment. It is greatly preferred if you can send the charger and the instruction booklet with the donations, but is not completely necessary. If you use the mailing label from the Body Shop, postage will be charged.

The NCADV has a wealth of information and resources related to domestic violence on it's web site and the Body Shop supports other worthy causes such as defending human rights, protecting our planet, activating self esteem, and testing and manufacturing their products without harming animals.

I don't believe any individual has super powers to change the world, but if we all do a few small positive things, it will certainly work for the betterment of all. I am sending three used cell phones, one of which will probably only be useable for parts.

Peace, Doc

The more I see the less I know for sure. - John Lennon

Internal or External?

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 19:19:41 GMT

It has become clear to me from the comments to the last post that readers have grossly overestimated how much importance to place on a single part of a mini-theory in a corner of the overall study of psychology, behavior, personality and how we become who we are and how we relate to ourselves, others, and to the world around us. There is a hierarchical series of levels of explanation for "events." One or more of these levels is usually most appropriate to the study of any given subject than others. The most fundamental of levels, that mysterious land of subatomic physics where "color," "strange," and "top quarks," dwell, is absolutely essential for any of the physical universe to exist. At the other end of that ladder are the areas of philosophy, theology, spirituality, metaphysics and that wide area of the paranormal. Several levels are appropriate in the attempt to discover who and what we are. Psychology, in its various forms, would study primarily in a range from physics, biology, anatomy, organic chemistry, physiology, medicine, psychology, sociology, and might even venture to poke its nose into spirituality and the paranormal. Any of these areas that affect human thought or behavior are considered fair game for study. All of the more basic levels are necessary for the possibility of conscious thought and behavior to occur. We don't know whether there are levels below the subatomic physical or above the spiritual. We don't know everything about anything. For that matter, some of us don't even know very much about anything. As Brother Theodore, a great philosopher and dark comedian of my youth observed, "We don't know what is behind the beyond. Most of us don't even know what is beyond the behind."

Dr. Julian Rotter and many others have studied the degree of Internality versus Externality (I-E) as a part of the research into the nature of expectancy for success or failure, how much importance we assign to the outcome, and more generally to what partially determines our worldview and how effective we expect to be in making changes in our surroundings or in ourselves. At the extreme Internal pole, the individual tends to believe that nearly everything is somehow under his control and feels responsible for every event that affects him. At the opposite, External pole of this continuum, the individual believes that he is responsible for nothing and all is luck, fate, acts of God or people, or other outside forces.

When one combines I-E with expectancy for success, one gains more understanding about how the person perceives himself and his relationship to the world around him. For example, the External, believing he has nearly no control over what happens, is more likely to interpret getting hit by a car as the driver's fault and to have a very low expectancy that such a thing would happen to him, even though he ran into the street from between parked cars. At the extreme Internal end of the continuum, the individual would have carefully crossed the street at the crosswalk and crossed only when the crossing light was lit. He would also likely have looked in all directions before crossing, but when finally struck, would believe and act with a fairly high certainty that the accident was somehow his fault.

Before any further misunderstandings occur, please understand that this is only one part of a single mini-theory, attempting to explain only a small part of human behavior, from one level of explanation, in one room of the house of psychology. It is useful in that it has proven to be fairly valid and reliable in doing what it is intended to do and can help, to some extent, predict how a person will behave in the future. You are far, far more than what your responses to the 29 questions of the I-E Scale could ever hope to assess. 'Nuff said. Enjoy following the link and taking the online test. This is a real one with many studies of the results having been done, (an inconclusive one about sex differences and persistence at a task, having been perpetrated on college undergraduates by Doc himself.)

Peace, Doc

Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training. - Anna Freud

How Well Did I Do and Am I Happy With That?

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 22:28:46 GMT

"Dammit. I painted that ceiling with two coats and if you look right there you can see a roller mark that shows!" Observer: "You can?" "Yes! I screwed it up!" Observer: "I could never have seen it if you hadn't pointed directly to it and had the light just right." "Thanks for trying to make me feel better, but I messed up." Observer: "I wish I could paint that well."

What just happened there? That is an example loosely drawn from my own painting performance and I was pointing out my error to Firstborn and First-Mate. His answer was really more like, "Don't worry about it. Nobody will ever notice that!" But he had been a professional painter most of the way through high school and college. Was I an underachiever or an over-expecter? Pretty clearly, from the comments of someone who really knew how to paint, I was an over-expecter. What would it take to satisfy me? A 100% perfect job. Anything less was a failure. How much pleasure would I then get from the job other than just getting it over with? None. If I am anticipating perfect performance and don't achieve it, no rewards for Doc.

How did you ever guess I was going to go into a psychological explanation for a part of this process. It is known as expectancy theory and was developed by Dr. Julian Rotter of Ohio State University and other social psychologists have developed relatively exact formulae for the prediction of achievement, expectancy for success, and importance of the task to the individual. The technical explanations of the formulae aren't all that interesting unless you are about to be tested on them, but a couple of examples will demonstrate the principles quite clearly.

Imagine two fifth grade identical twin boys who are equal in all observable ways. They are going to have a math quiz the next day and they each have expectancies about their performance. The first sets his minimal acceptable goal level as an A and his expectancy for success as an A. His brother sets his minimal acceptable goal level as a C and hopes for a B. The test is taken the next day and both boys get a B. Do you think they will feel the same about their performance? Of course not. The brother who set his minimal goal as an A and and matched that with his expectancy for success as an A will be quite disappointed in the results. The brother who set his minimal goal as a C and had the expectancy that he would get a C, or maybe a bit better, will be quite pleased with the results. A pure behaviorist would say that the results led to the same operant (getting a B) so different ways of getting there don't matter because the results were the same.

These results suggest some insight into why people behave the way they do and how they feel about the results. (Remember that the feelings about the results are reinforcers as well as the results themselves.) I didn't view my ceiling painting as good enough and consequently didn't feel any positive reinforcement. If a person sets their minimal goal as perfection or 100 % accuracy, they leave themselves no room to feel good about what they did. They will almost never feel like they can be pleased about their work, because it can never be better than their minimal expectancy of what the results should be. They may be willing to perform at a 90% level if they are paid well or it is an emergency situation, but then we are adding in another reinforcer and things are not equal. People who have somewhat lower expectancies will tend to be happier because they feel more successful as well as receiving money, etc.

The 100% expecter shows himself by never accepting a compliment easily, by being reluctant to start a task that he doesn't know if he can do perfectly the first time, or by having everything he can control in perfect order. These behaviors are also associated with anxiety disorders as the fear that is the symptom may be caused by a fear of "poor" performance, in whatever sense the word is used. Personally, I tend to follow the first two examples and frequently become anxious when asked to do something I don't know how to do well. Nobody, however, can legitimately accuse me of being a neat freak! In future posts, I will address Rotter's notions on internal versus external personality features and include a link to a scoreable Rotter I-E Locus of Control test that evaluates how much you feel you are in control of events in your life versus how much the situation just happens without us having us much, if any control over the outcome.

Ya know, I thought grad school might come in handy for something someday. I just didn't expect that it would be blogging.

Peace, Doc

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
- Franklin P. Jones

New Years Resolutions

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 09:53:00 GMT

Do you make New Years Resolutions? It has been reported that one's likelihood of success is greater if one commits oneself publicly to an observable behavioral change such as quitting smoking, reducing your amount of swearing by 14 percent, or completely giving up any deluded attempt to actually like Brussels sprouts. Have you seen those suckers on their stalks? They look like the alien invader plants from The Day of the Triffids! I digress. Suffice it to say that never eating another Brussels sprout would be a very easy resolution for me to keep. How did I get onto the topic of Brussels sprouts anyway? Just another indication of minimal loss of straight-line logical cognition by the aging brain, I suppose.

The part about announcing your intention publicly is true, though. Nobody wants to be seen by others as weak, a failure, or unable to stick to their stated intentions. If you are serious about making your resolutions for the new year work, announce them to everyone you know (and possibly have your friends tell all their friends as added insurance.) If you are trying to quit doing something, build in a positive reinforcement that you can give yourself when you do not give in to the original temptation and/or punish yourself if you do. An old example of a differential reinforcement program like this might be to fine yourself $0.25 for every time you swear (No, you may not use this money to buy a Ferrari next month. That would reward swearing.) and, given that the behavior is precipitated by anger, do something to take yourself out of the anger producing situation, mentally or physically. Leave the argument, do a brief relaxation exercise, think about a calming experience, or think about your best ever sexual experience. The latter is especially good because it will produce a huge grin and totally confuse the person at whom you were swearing and it is physiologically closer to the arousal experienced with anger. Do not tell the other person what you were thinking as this might escalate the situation beyond mere swearing.

Going along with the principle of differential reinforcement is the difference between stopping a behavior versus beginning one. Quitting swearing versus beginning a workout regimen, for example. Simply reverse which behavior you punish and which you reward. This may be harder to accomplish than it sounds. You frequently engage in the undesired behavior, so you have multiple opportunities per day to recognize it and apply the appropriate reinforcers. Beginning something may take a bit more inventiveness, because you don't usually do it and therefore will not have many naturally occurring occasions to reward or punish behaviors relating to it. You must set up reminders which you cannot ignore. Use an alarm clock or timer to catch yourself in a tense state and then engage in the appropriate behaviors to relax. If exercise is the goal, park your car as far away from the store you were going to as possible (WARNING! This may tend to undermine the successful reduction of swearing proposed in the previous program as you leave the store and are clueless as to where your car is.)

There is one quite interesting phenomenon in the area of reinforcement called the Premack Principle. Simply stated, anything an organism does more frequently may be used to reward any other behavior that is done less frequently. This works fairly well with lab rats, but when one applies it to human behavior, one quickly sees the fallacy. It would predict that if a person spends a lot of time swearing and very little time exercising, swearing would positively reinforce exercising. That might actually work, but not produce an overall desirable outcome. When one gets to state-dependent behaviors other factors such as the intensity of desire or "worth" of the desired behavior may not be outweighed by a whole day's worth of the undesired behavior. Think "I really, really want to make love tonight." Your desire is not met but you do spend the whole next day swearing under your breath. That is exactly the the opposite of what the theory would predict, and not at all what the good Dr. Premack had in mind.

So. What are your New Years resolutions? Personally, I'm not tellin.' That way, next December I can simply announce that I accomplished "it." I will do so by stating that whatever "it" is, it becomes whatever I do best over the next 12 months and was my resolution all along. I may have gotten lost in my own syntax there, but you get the idea.

Happy new year to all. May you thrive and prosper!

Peace, Doc

"From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining." - Leonard Bernstein

Season's Greetings

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 01:12:19 GMT

May all of my readers have the best of this holiday season and good health, good fortune, and happiness in the coming new year. That is as close to a politically correct phrasing of the sentiment as I can manage.

Today, December 21, 2006, marks the Winter Solstice in the Northern Hemisphere and the Summer Solstice in the Southern Hemisphere of the earth. In the Northern Hemisphere it always occurs on December 21st or 22nd. We experience the longest night and shortest day of the year today. This tended to worry pre-historic people as they were not at all certain that the situation would reverse itself or that the seasons would change in a predictable manner. Of course an eternal night would have been disastrous for all life and the return of longer days was a cause for drastic action and great celebration. This appears to be the primary reason that so many religious and secular festivities occur around this time. A good history and explanation of the influences that the Solstice, as well as other holidays, have had on societies and religions can be found at Candlegrove. I believe that about the only celebration not mentioned is the Seinfeld "holiday" of Festivus. The last link is to Religious Tolerance.org and provides many comparisons and contrasts among religions on a variety of topics. With that said, I will go on to provide a psychologist's wish to you for the holidays.

ABCDE

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KMNOP

QRSTU

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Peace, Doc

"Are his wits safe? Is he not light of brain?" - Wm. Shakespeare

An Oxymoron, Neural Transmission, and Zen Dentistry

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 11:21:06 GMT

I have real false teeth! I didn't really expect it to happen so quickly when I went to the oral surgeon on Tuesday. The remainder of the upper teeth were extracted as expected. Then he said "Open wide," and inserted the completed upper plate. Wow! I thought we were just going to fit the lower plate "model." Then the rest of the lower teeth were removed and a completed lower plate test fitted. Double wow! Then came the part which I had anticipated with some anxiety; the insertion of the dental equivalents of pop-rivets in my lower jaw to align and hold the lower plate. That's when I began to think in mechanical and automotive terms. The posts were much the same as self tapping screws and a pilot hole had to be drilled into my jaw for each. After starting the screw into the hole in my jaw, he used a tiny ratchet wrench to twist them in to the required depth. I apparently have soft jawbone on the left side, because three tries were required and a larger diameter post was finally necessary. Had this been done on an engine block, the hole would likely have been drilled out to a larger diameter, tapped to a larger screw size and a reduction adapter that looks something like a spring called a heli-coil inserted so that the same sized bolt would be used. That was where the analogy fell apart (thank God) because I was even beginning to imagine the sound of a NASCAR air wrench on lug nuts. As it was, I was left with two posts rather than the eventual four that will be implanted. Having both the upper and lower plates installed apparently helps in not requiring as many stitches as would have been necessary without them and to contain swelling. This seemed OK to me as Dr. B. and his assistant were already starting to discuss quilting stitches. I tried to suggest counted cross stitch, but it didn't come out even close and I may have offended the DA in the process. They humor me, however, even letting me keep the extracted teeth and pieces for the Tooth Fairy.

One of the experiences that never ceases to intrigue me is how necessary nerve conduction is to pain. After a heavy local anesthetic, drilling sounds and smells like I should be screaming. The actual pulling of the teeth produces cracking noises and deep movement sensations. The taste of anesthetic and quick cure adhesive both say pain, and certainly the sight of a large man with a ratchet wrench in one's mouth delivers a message that I should be running for the door. All five senses are producing pain messages, but "no brain, no pain." That is somehow very Zen-like when one contemplates it. If a tooth is pulled and the message can't be transmitted to my brain, did it hurt?

I'll be sure to keep everyone updated and grossed out as the process continues. At the moment, I'm much better at typing than at talking anyway. My tongue is displeased with the lower plate, though it has already made friends with the upper.

Peace, Doc

When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about.
- Albert Einstein

The Apparition

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 12:18:36 GMT

I had a completely unexpected visitor as I awoke Tuesday. Boomer was looking at me directly in the eyes for a moment until I woke completely and realized it was actually Squeaky. I had not been dreaming about him, but my life presently is such that I needed my best little friend more than ever. I could try to explain it psychologically by saying it was partly wish fulfillment, partly faulty perception during an alpha brainwave state, and partly Squeaky engaging in the same observation of me sleeping and waiting for any sign of waking that Boomer once used. I could try to believe that it was "just a touch" of PTSD bringing back vivid dream images or that I needed reassurance so badly that I created it for myself. I could even attribute it to the fact that Squeaky has many of the same qualities as Boomer and I "see" them as much alike in some ways. These could all be true.

I know that we all hallucinate (what else are vivid dreams which we perceive as real while we sleep?) and most of us have had the hypnopompic experience of near-hallucination when we are sleepy and "hear" someone call our name when no one did or there was simply an ambiguous noise for our brain to interpret. (Our name is the single word we respond to most strongly.) I have had those experiences also. This could also be true. I would have to say that they may have been necessary but not sufficient to explain my experience.

This was substantially different in clarity and "feel" to anything I have ever experienced. Boomer was simply standing by me, looking totally real, solid, physically present, and as if he wanted to help me in any way he could. If I had been able to move quickly, I think I could have touched him. In a single look, it was as if he knew that the group hug had been very short lived, illusory, and that worse things had occurred following it than those that led to it. It was as if he knew that I desperately needed family and came to be with me. Thanks for being there, little guy. I need you.

Peace, Doc

Graduations

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 14:08:08 GMT

I don’t recall my high school graduation at all clearly. I think I may have been drunk. It was on a weekend, so that would have been highly likely. I do recall an open-house in my honor, hosted by my family. Apparently I hadn’t informed them quite clearly enough about my social life as three girls I had been dating all met each other for the first time at the gala affair. I did what any 18 year old male would in those circumstances. I announced my duty to attend some classmates’ open-houses and got out of Dodge as fast as possible, knowing full well I’d best get used to the idea of finding a new girlfriend.

I remember all too clearly my escape from undergraduate school and the doleful glare of the representatives of the Society of the Precious Blood. I had been as recalcitrant as possible about going to that school so I was ecstatic at the thought of getting away. The unofficial school song was “We gotta get out of this place if it’s the last thing we ever do.” Not only had the good fathers failed miserably in their mission of turning me into a “young Catholic gentleman,” they came quite close to turning me into an Atheist. I am thankful that I already knew how to separate most bullshit from what could be believed and when I should simply admit, “I don’t know.” The “Because I said so” kind of faith has always proven elusive for me. So I was greatly enthused to get my diploma and never return. The ceremony itself was as boring as most graduations until my name was called and the diploma cover given to me with a handshake. It was only when I opened it to admire the symbol of my accomplishment that my emotions blew up. In place of a diploma was a typed note from the school’s business office. It stated quite simply that I owed the school $32.00 and would receive my diploma when it was paid. It further stated that the office would be open for my convenience until 4:00 p.m. I recall emitting a howling sort of giggle as I returned to my seat and several further minor outbursts and snorts as I waited impatiently to pay my debt. The long arm of the collection plate had caught me again and there was little I could do about it.

Fast forward a few years to my Masters degree. “Mail it to me.”

Slow forward to my Doctorate. After considerable discussion with spouse and family, it ended with “Mail it to me.” I was willing to allow a very small celebration in my basement, which my Ex always maintained was my proper place in life anyway, “between the water heater and the sump pump.” She did get me a nicely engraved plaque stating, in officially pompous script, that the school had “grudgingly graduated” me. I like that plaque better than the diploma.

Peace, Doc

Me and Him

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 20:29:53 GMT

I liked those answers, especially their diversity. I simply want to be me. That doesn’t feel terribly original, but I have experienced so many different situations and conditions I wouldn’t give them up easily to be anyone else. I’m not rich, famous, or any more interesting than anyone else. I am, however, unique, as are all of you, and that uniqueness of the individual still fascinates me. It doesn’t make us better than one another, but the compilation of all the individual differences is what makes each of us an “I.” When I say “I am” it is equivalent to you saying the same of yourself, but oh to what different people we refer. I won’t say I wouldn’t like to try being someone else for a brief period to know what makes them think and act as they do, but a permanent change? No way, unless the Vulcan mind meld becomes possible.

Who would I most like to meet and hang out with? This one may surprise you. Jesus. One on one, up close and personal. Not the stories, not the Bible, not the hundreds of versions I have read, heard, and seen. The reality. This is where the Doubting Thomas comes in, I suppose. I don’t believe I would need to feel His stigmata, but with my difficulty accepting what others say at face value or take on faith, I might finally be able to understand and accept my own firsthand perception of the everyday life of a God/Man that occurred 2000 years ago.

Thank you for responding as openly as you did. I know I learned from it. I hope you did too.

Peace, Doc

Answer and Questions

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 22:25:57 GMT

The results of my question in the last post were surprising to me. This was not because of the general direction of the comments, but that they were so overwhelmingly positive and forward-looking. I also noticed that it was an all female response group. I am grateful to have such positive and supportive friends. As you may have guessed from the question itself, and the way I posed it, my own answer would be much more ambivalent. I know I can’t really go back in time and relive parts of my life except in memory, but the question was hypothetical. I believe that if such a time travel return were possible, I would take it. That, in turn, depends on the concept of “behaving as if.” An underlying belief on my part, from paternal history and genetics, is that I do not have a long life expectancy. Although I am not ill (except for depression) this belief has been with me all my life and has become a part of my worldview. Another factor in my illogical belief system is called the “gambler’s fallacy.” This is a belief that the more good luck you have, the more likely it becomes to have bad luck. For example, if you flip an “honest” coin 100 times and it lands heads up every time, what is the probability that it will land heads up on flip number 101? It is actually 50% although I don’t know of many people who can accept that mathematical truth at a gut level. Along those lines, I behave “as if” I have used up nearly all the goodness and luck in my life and that it just gets worse from here on. There are also a number of things that, knowing what I now know, I would have done differently.

A common factor I notice in your comments is one of faith, trust, and/or positive attitude. I’m not good at that. More accurately, I suck at it and am aptly named after the Biblical “Doubting Thomas.” I refer to the future as an impenetrable fog because that’s the way it seems to me. I feel as if I need guarantees and know there are none. It feels as if I have used up my good luck and only bad awaits me. I have led as good a life, so far, as I have been capable (that leaves some wiggle room for my screw-ups) but my experiences over the past couple of years leave me with a predominantly non-hopeful mindset. I know that I am capable of change. I tell my clients that they are. The belief in the possibility of positive change is the very basis of psychotherapy. I’m working on it.

Since this one turned out to be interesting, let me pose two more questions. When comments are in, I will answer them from my point of view. I like questions like these especially, because there are no “right” or “wrong” answers.

1.) If you could be anyone or anything you wanted, current, historical, fictional, or whatever, who or what would you be?

2.) If it were possible to spend time, have a long conversation, have dinner, go camping, or whatever with anyone, real or fictional, who would it be?

Peace, Doc